#78 – Changes in adoptive parenting

January 29, 2017 at 10:23 am | Posted in Adoption differences, adoption issues, adoption loss, Adoptive parenting do's, Raising the adopted child | Leave a comment
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“The Process of Change in Adoption Therapy” is another of Robert Hafetz’s outstanding papers on adoption.  You can google    Robert Haftez – Academia.edu    to see a list of his articles.  I also have a link to his page here at the bottom right of the screen under Favorite Links.


His approach is a breath of fresh air to those who have struggled for years with an adopted child.  They say they do everything the parenting books tell them to do, but it doesn’t work for their family.  Mr. Hafetz’s papers explain why.  Often negative behavior on an adopted child’s part is a cry for help, a cry of unhappiness, a symptom of his confusion about how he feels.  The parenting books urge punishment for “unacceptable” behavior when their child’s behavior is actually showing that he or she needs love and support to help them through their confusion and frustration.  They can display anger, sadness, anxiety and more. They can’t tell you why they feel the way they do.  They don’t understand why they feel different.  All this comes from early removal from their birth mother.  Mr. Hafetz explains this so clearly in his articles.


When something triggers a child’s primal loss sensations, he is miserable, frightened and not knowing how to deal with it, he acts out.  Instead of medication or punishment, Mr. Haftez suggests that this negative time and feeling be replaced with a positive feeling and experiences.  This is an ongoing process to replace this deep-seated anxiety that the child doesn’t understand.  Mr. Hafetz’s article ends simply with this advice – “What does an experience ‘that sharply contradicts and disconfirms’ the expectations look like?    It’s a familiar loving touch, it’s called a hug.”


I strongly suggest that anyone involved in adoption read Robert Hafetz’s papers.  They  guide the adoptive parents in looking at what is going on inside their child’s thinking.  That is the essential key for good parenting, understanding your child!






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