#26 – Common thoughts of adopted children

August 18, 2011 at 9:26 am | Posted in Adoptive parenting do's, Identity issues, Raising the adopted child | Leave a comment
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In the safety of a support group for adopted children many things are said that can only be voiced in that safe environment.  Of course, not every adopted child has the same feelings, but I think it’s important for parents to know that there are some children who feel a certain way, and it is possible under some circumstances for an adopted child to say any of the following –

The comments below came out of a support group for adopted adolescents and young adults.

“I feel like I was a helpless pawn as a baby.  People who didn’t even know me made decisions for me.”


“I was given up once by a set of parents, so it can happen again.”


“I often feel like an outsider within my own family.  When I ask questions, sometimes they tell me that it’s private information or that I’m too young to know.  I wonder if I were their biological child if they’d tell me.”


Sometimes I feel life cheated me by taking something that belonged to me.  I feel like I want to get back by taking from other people.”


I find it hard to trust people.  Are my adoptive parents telling me all they know about my birth parents?  Why are my records sealed?  What are they hiding?  Why so many secrets?”


“Sometimes I can’t control my temper.  I guess I’m mad at my birth parents and the system.  I take it out on my adoptive family.  They’re the ones who are here.”

These comments above and many more that are addressed in “Insight Into Adoption” are hard to hear.  We love our children so dearly, and it hurts to know some children have these thoughts – thoughts perhaps illogical to us who love them, but logical to a youngster.

All we as parents can do is refute these feelings and let our children know how deeply they are loved and appreciated.  Our logic doesn’t always make sense to a doubting child, but our constant support and expression of love can get through to them – eventually.

Some of us go through years of dealing with our children’s anger issues and doubting if our love and support will ever allow our children to see themselves as we see them.  Our children are just like everyone else – take away our insecurities, our anger, our resentment, and other negative feelings, and we are beautiful people.  As parents, we need to see through our children’s negative behavior and words and see the ‘actual’ child.  This isn’t always easy, but it’s the way to go.


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