#25 – Common feelings of Adoptive Parents

August 9, 2011 at 2:37 pm | Posted in Adoption differences, Adoptive parenting do's, Raising the adopted child | Leave a comment
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This post is a little behind schedule because the last 10 days I’ve been busy  editing my next book  in order to meet the publisher’s deadline, so  I’m going to post just a few quick points here which are discussed in more detail in “Insight Into Adoption.”

I spoke with an adoptive mother last week and it seemed she just had to unload on someone who would understand her situation and not judge her as she felt some of her relatives and friends had.  She said many things I’d heard before, “ It seems I work much harder at parenting than my friends do”, I feel the world is telling me I’m not a real parent, why do I have to keep reassuring my insecure child over and over again, why do I wonder if my child likes being in our family.”

She went on to say she is hesitant about her parenting skills and not sure how much to mold her child and how much to follow his lead.  She wondered if she had the right to impose her religion and her values on her son.  I could see she was very conflicted in her thinking.

We as adoptive parents can feel quite lonely at times.  Our issues seem to be different from other families, and we often are hesitant to talk to other families about them because deep down we know we are dealing with something they don’t understand.  All parents face many issues over the years, many issues are similar, but not all.

All parents are human, all humans make mistakes.  Adoptive parents are no exception to this.  It’s natural for adoptive parents to feel we are different than biological parents, because we are.  The bottom line, however, is we are parents, no matter what descriptive word goes in front of that word.  If we think of what our children would want, it makes our job much easier.  Think of what you would want if you were adopted.  Would you want a tentative parent or a strong parent?  Would you want your parent to appear insecure in his or her decision making?  Every child needs to feel secure and safe.  A big part of this comes from having parents who make their child feel secure and safe.  Flexibility is a good thing, but hesitancy and self doubt in parenting is not.

We must realize we are not always going to be right, but we do need to give our children the sense that we are strong parents they can count on.  We need to make decisions that will guide our children wisely.  In this department there is no adoptive or biological, there is just good loving common sense wanting what is right for our child.  We are the only parents our children have.  We have every right to be parents.  We owe it to our children to be strong and confident in our parenting skills.

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