#1 – Factual difference between adopted and biological children

March 29, 2011 at 11:44 pm | Posted in Adoption differences, Identity issues | 1 Comment
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Many adoptive parents are offended by the statement that there are differences.  They don’t always feel the difference and more importantly, they don’t want to see the differences.  In a way this is healthy – to look for the binding and bonding parts of the relationship with your child.  Your child needs this, too.

However, your adopted child is not of your gene pool.  Your child may have many gifts and talents that don’t run in your biological family, and you need to look for these and nurture them.  A common mistake in adoptive families is to try to “make” the adopted child into a biological child by telling them what they will like and what they will do.  Perhaps the child doesn’t want to be a football player or a musician.  The true joy of being an adoptive parent is to love each of your children for their uniqueness.  They don’t know who they are, yet.  They have no family history to inherit, so it can be scary for them.

Not all adoption situations are the same, but following are some differences that generally apply to most adoptions –

            1) An adopted child has four parents.  He lives with two and he thinks about the other two even though he may never meet them. A biological child has two parents.

            2) An adopted child usually does not live with anyone he is related to, he has no biological tie.  A biological child is related to all members of his family.

            3) An adopted child has no ‘hand me down’ physical traits or common talents that run in the family.  A biological child often has the binding element of being similar in physique, temperament, and talents to his parents and siblings.

            4) An adopted child knows he was placed into his family by people’s decisions.  A biological child was placed by nature’s decision. One is artificial and one is natural.

            5) An adopted child does not share naturally in the family heritage.  It is his by adoption.  A biological child feels a sense of belonging and a natural affinity to his heritage.

            6) An adopted child was relinquished by his birth parents.  This issue can have a great impact on some adoptees while other adoptees don’t dwell on it.  A biological child was born into a family and that is where he belongs.

These and many more issues are discussed in later entries.  The implications and ramifications of these differences are discussed in detail and in depth in my book, “Insight Into Adoption”.  Some of these facts can be viewed as negative factors, but they can be dealt with positively. Even some of these differences which appear to be a challenge on the surface can serve as a background for strong and effective parenting which strengthen the child and the child/parent relationship.  The key is knowing the impact of these differences on your own child.

The true joy of adoptive parenting is to guide your child through early life unencumbered by family expectations or limitations.  They don’t apply. It’s important for you to tell your child that you will be by his side no matter what he wants to pursue. Our children need to know they are  beloved family members even if they prefer to cook while the rest of the family is playing musical instruments.

It might take some trial and error because this is unknown territory for the adoptee.  They are not quitters if they try something and then don’t like it.  They are just doing research.  It’s an exciting journey and one that parents should embrace wholeheartedly.  Let them lead, you follow.  A child needs to know he is in charge of his identity.  This should be an exciting , fulfilling and successful journey for both parent and child.

You might want to visit #30, “Factual Differences Revisited”


1 Comment »

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  1. Just wondering if there is any information on kids who were adopted and got married and had their own kids and the bonds that they feel which are so different from what they felt growing up.

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